The Worst People You'll Meet in Theatre

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Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with some amazing people in various productions; people who sacrifice so much time and always bring a positive attitude. I wouldn’t hesitate to work with these folks again.

Then there is the flip side—those who seem to ruin every production they’re involved with or ruin theatre altogether for others. I can’t stand these people, and try to avoid working with them as much as possible. So here is a list of the worst people in theatre who I’ve either worked with or encountered in some fashion. Some of these might sound familiar.

"The Bully"

I never thought calling someone a diva should be an insult. A diva is someone who is a celebrated performer, who has won countless acclaim with his or her incredible talent. However in most cases, when we say someone is being a diva, it means they’re belittling the rest of the cast, making the crew answer to their every whim, refusing to take direction and bringing down the entire production. This isn’t being a diva, it’s being a bully.

I was working in a play where the lead actor berated a member of the running crew because his drink didn’t have any ice cubes in it. While there was no mention of ice in the scene, the play was set in the summer, so the actor felt the drink needed to have ice. He screamed at the running crew member and told him that he had “no business being back stage.” The running crew member was a high school student doing this as a summer internship, by the way.

I was in a musical where one of the actresses was constantly late for rehearsals. Not five or ten minutes late, more like 30 to 45 minutes late. There might be an occasional phone call or text to the stage manager, but not many. Finally, two weeks before opening night, the director called her out for being late yet again. After a back and forth between them, the actress finally yelled, “Well I’d like to see what this production would be like without me!” In response, the director immediately fired her and told another actress to get upstairs for a costume fitting. Needless to say this shocked the bully and she stormed out of the theatre.

The lesson here is, if you think you’re irreplaceable to a production, please let the director know that and they can put that notion to the test. If someone displays this sort of behavior in one of my shows, I will not cast that person again. I know a lot of directors who feel the same way.

"The Dictator Director"

There is nothing worse for actors than to have a director who tells them the exact way he wants each line read or exactly where to move and when. The Dictator Director is someone who controls every aspect of his production to the point where it destroys the creative process. The Dictator Director also treats his stage manager as his servant. To be clear, I have no problem with a director wanting his vision realized on stage, but there are ways to get what you want out of your actors and crew, and being a tyrant isn’t one of them.

Sadly, I have worked with too many Dictator Directors. I was once doing a production of All My Sons, and the director fed me every line the way he wanted it to sound. Inflect here, pause there. I felt like Howard Stern on “WNNNNNBC!” He went as far as to remind me to inflect and pause at intermission during the run of the show.

Another director, when asked by her cast about changing some blocking said, “Look if you want to direct the show, I’ll leave right now. If not, shut the fuck up and do what I say!” Needless to say we didn’t ask about changing anything after that.

So I try to avoid being the Dictator Director as much as possible. Rehearsals are supposed to be safe spaces where creativity and new ideas can come together. I might have a vision of what I want for a production, but an actor or designer might have a better idea, and we directors need to be open for that.

"The Generals of the Stagehand/Actor War"

Someday I want Ken Burns to do a documentary on where and when the Stagehand/Actor War began. It doesn’t happen on every production, but when it does, it really sucks. For some odd reason, some stagehands think that all actors are prima donna sh*theads, while some actors think that all stagehands are weird depressed people who are always angry about something. Neither is correct. And when someone comes into a production with this belief, the battle lines are drawn and the backstage environment becomes toxic. As an actor, I rely on the crew as much as they rely on me. A production has to be a collaborative professional effort. And the folks who come in ready to do battle with each other have no business in my shows.

"The Prado Friends"

I was set to direct a show in the summer. The January before auditions, I was Facebook friended by an actor who, in the coming months, would “like” and comment on all of my statuses. Whenever I would see this actor in person, he would treat me as if we had been best friends for years. When auditions came around, he was one of the first to read for a certain role. I didn’t end up casting him, and everything changed. The “liking” stopped. No longer was I greeted with a hug and smile. In fact when I see him now, he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence.

These are Prado Friends, fake knockoffs of what actual friends are. Prado Friends will be the best friends you ever had, until you don’t give them what they want or aren’t valuable enough for what they need, whether it’s casting them, selecting their show proposal or seeing their show and making sure that the Facebook community knows how amazing they were. The Prado Friendship hangs by a thin thread.

As a director, sadly, I know too many of these people... or used to know them.

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